Shining a light into the dark corners

No one wants to go there... unless they're so afraid they can't go on the way they've been.

I listened to a young man's story this morning. He is 24 years old. In my opinion, he lived a lifetime already. This young man started abusing alcohol at a young age, then started experimenting with other things. No one told him how these chemicals would react in his individual body. No one told him how paranoia would settle in so badly that it would take over his life for several years. I listened to him explain how he left his home, left his life because he truly believed that "someone" was listening to him and watching his every move. At first I thought, well of course someone is. Then it occurred to me this person didn't have God in their life at all. His story was powerful and sad, resilient and reflective of five years of experience he wished he didn't have. He wanted so badly to be in control of himself. He wanted to control every ounce of his life and lost it completely.

That word, control... It seems to be the most powerful goal in the universe. I used to think I needed to control my emotions, my thoughts, my dreams, my actions, every single one of them. I got so disciplined at controlling everything about my self in regards to how my behavior may affect someone else's life, I completely lost sight of who I am. There was no way to keep walking on egg shells like that. Constantly vigilant of a person's mood, never wanting to create waves, yet drowning in my own emotions. I kept focusing on everyone else's stuff accept my own. I had no idea how to sooth myself unless I was helping or taking care of someone else. I wasn't even aware that I could shine a light into my own corners... What a transformation that has been!

My corners are DARK. The thoughts that ran through my mind actually scared me... I used to be so afraid of "thinking" bad thoughts because I believed if I did, somehow they would actually happen. I would be sitting at a stop light and a flash of my dog, bloody and dead, lying on the floor would flash before my eyes. I would shake my head no, and pray that when I got home, that wasn't real. One time in college, I was taking a shower in the girl's bathroom. I heard this dragging sound, like someone was getting drug through the hallway outside. I quickly turned off the water, and ran out of the shower with nothing on because I thought someone was taking my sister and she couldn't fight back. It was just a girl dragging her bag to the elevator. I was so ashamed of how afraid I was. I was so afraid of losing my sister that my fear created a visual of that actually happening. Some call it PTSD, some call it a powerful imagination, but all I know was these negative thought patterns were effecting so much of my life. I began to think I deserved these negative thoughts and accept that they were there for a reason.

Ironically enough, thinking GOOD thoughts, and then putting them into action is exactly how things DO happen. Every client I work with becomes aware that the habits and patterns of only focusing on negative thought truly becomes a habit that we break over time together. The support of an authentic listener who witnesses with no judgement allows for healing, awareness, and empowerment.

My dark corners also involved trauma I endured as a child. Big traumas for me, maybe small to someone else, maybe so big for someone else that they wouldn't recover. I used to measure my trauma up against other's trauma. I didn't see my parent murder someone so it I thought it didn't matter that I saw my dad have to choke a dog to get it to let go of a kitten that I was holding. The dog ripped the kitten away from my scrawny little arms and killed it in front of me. Those images haunted me for years. Experiences as a young child get stored away in memory that most would want to tuck away forever. The problem with that is it usually doesn't help a person drag all that baggage with them through life. There needs to be a reckoning with these events, a gestalt session that brings all of it to rest and then released for good. My life experiences may be exactly why I am so understanding of others now.

We can only be a witness to each other's growth and healing without forcing anything in life. There's no way to make a tree grow faster or ecosystems to develop quicker. All these things take time and so do humans. There truly isn't a race - that is a made up lie that also seems to hold people back.

I am finally able to speak about the things that I saw and experienced when I was little. I am finally able to speak about how much God is good and there is so much good in the universe. I am finally able to speak about souls that aren't physically here, and yet they're right here with us. I am no longer afraid that if I acknowledge what I feel, that means it's real. I know it's ok to be real. It's ok that I am aware of nature's way. I notice when our sweet old dog is in pain. She tells me. I see the tiny minute grimace in her mouth. I notice when one of our horses doesn't feel good or something is off. Sometimes they show me, sometimes I am directed in a way that I still don't have words for. Once I was able to acknowledge who I really am, I realized there are so many people out there just like me. I am not alone. I felt like I was alone for a long time, but God never keeps us feeling that way forever. I learned that it's part of the plan for our life that we live it authentically.

Have you ever played the game where you imagine yourself as an animal? I used to describe myself as this octopus living deep near a coral reef with rays of sun shining all the way to the ocean floor. That is heaven on earth in the water world. My friends and family loved being at the top of the water, near the surface where things are easier to see coming, always prepared and ready. When life weighed them down, they would sink, and need someone to talk to, listen openly and non-judgmentally. I picture myself as this octopus that sits with them when needed, listening and changing colors to be understanding, empathetic, and holding space for this beautiful soul in front of me. And then I stretch my arms to lift them back up where they belong, in the light, on the surface. Once they're there, I quietly go back down, holding their secrets, releasing them into the sea, curling around the grounding forces of nature, and illuminating all the colors of the universe. I realize now that my friends and family are just the same to me. They hold me up when I need it. They love me no matter how dark my corners are. When we shine a light on our darkest corners, they reveal our gift to humanity.

Living with nature, and the cycles that come and go is truly the best life I can live. i have let go of the illusion of control. It will never shackle me like it did for so many years.

It's hard to dig into who we are as humans. It's even harder to see all the parts of our self that we don't like. It's hard and also the most important reason we are here.... As Carl Jung put it, "the privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are." I believe that with all my heart. Go be your authentic, wild self... and if you don't know how to begin, reach out to me. I'll be here when you're ready.