How we can accidentally send the wrong message....

Before anyone goes down the path of what the title might be referring to, let me assure you this post is not about what women wear.... It is, however; about something we all can relate to and how easily it is to send the wrong message.

I've been a mama for over 26 years. I've been a teacher for longer. I used to be amazed at how easily it was for a young child to take over a play group, run the show, and everyone else follow. At first I was surprised to see how things played out, who just rolled with the "leader" and who didn't. And then it became somewhat of a research study for me. Each year, new students came into the school and new alliances were made. These alliances had everything to do with the child's message, nonverbally ofcourse because they were so young, they didn't even have the language skills yet.

Everywhere we look, relationships are literally the most important parts of our human existence. It's not what you know, it's WHO you know. Our connections help us move forward. Anyone who thinks they've done everything on their own has surely forgotten about the people in the background that were building them up along the way. Connections to others who believe in us create a solid foundation of what we strive for and how we grow. Unfortunately, we can be misleading in our messages - to ourselves and also to the world. Let me explain....

I will never forget interviewing a young woman and listening to all the things she was capable of doing. We went over her resume', I listened to her list all the things she had accomplished in the past, and then I asked her, "What would you do if you had no limits?" There was a silence in the room that was actually calming to me because I hadn't heard her take a breath since she first walked into the room. She filled the air with her accomplishments, her accolades, and everything she could think of to fill the space between us. She was stunned silent. (I worked very hard not to smile) She finally said, "I don't know. I feel like I'm a little lost right now. I feel like I'm trying so hard to get the right fit for myself and my daughter."

"Oh, you have a daughter, how old is she?" I asked.

"She's 12, going on 20." she replied with a roll of her eyes like she finally understood what her mother had said to her when she was a teen.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel like you are at a point in your life where the time with your daughter is the most valuable, yes?" I said with a sense that I was finally on the right track.

"Yes, she is the most important. I want to be there for her more than anything else right now."

"Ah, well, then you already know exactly what you should be doing."

After we chatted a little longer, the time had come to end the interview. The woman had tears in her eyes when she stood up and thanked me. She asked me if she could hug me and I said, of course! I'm a hugger! She left with a new sense of what she really wanted, instead of what she was trying to convince herself she wanted. Do you see how she was sending the wrong message? She was trying to convince me and herself that she could do this job, but she never asked herself, do I want this job in the first place.

Communicating what we need from others is a life skill that is mandatory in order to feel connected and honored as a member of our community - whatever that community might be. I even include the horses that I work with as a community because I have to speak with them every day, not words so much, but in my actions and energy. I'm completely guilty of accidentally sending the wrong message to horses because I craved an absent connection with them... A human connection.

When I was a child, I learned that whoever was the most dominant in the field got to eat first and who ever moved their feet first, lost. Usually a mare was the one in charge in a herd, but not always. This made a lot of sense to me because she was usually carrying a foal, but again, not always. She was what we call a "boss mare". You had to be very careful how you approached her. If you approached too quickly, she would spin around on a dime and kick at you. You also had to be fully aware of your own energy. She was not a fan of too much energy. My dad used to say that Pinkslip (that was our boss mare's name) could easily kill someone... again. That's how we all knew she wasn't messing around.

I have to be so careful with what message I am sending to our young horses. For instance, I had to observe very closely how Javi used to act at breakfast. If he used dominant body language and I fed him, then I just reinforced that he should act dominant - and he thought he "took" the food from me even though I gave it to him. I had to break the link between the two. So now, I walk calmly into the pasture with a flag and his hay. We all just wait patiently and then he gets his food. I'm had to retrain myself so I didn't send the wrong message when he was two so he's a kind, quiet gelding now at five.

There are so many ways we can send the wrong message when we aren't sure what we want to convey. I believe that training horses is a lot like parenting. If I forget to be firm with my horses and as I've said before, Javi keeps me honest... I have to be honest with my own behavior. I have to look at the message I'm sending. Just like the woman in the interview. Her ego showed up and said, "I can do that job!" But it took her showing up to the interview to realize, she didn't actually want the job. She wanted to find a way to be with her daughter as much as possible, and that particular job was not going to do that for her.

Keeping yourself honest is hard. It's so easy to make things up and send the wrong message because you're concerned how others might think. Taking the time to listen to yourself and learn from your own actions allows you to act with integrity with the most important one, YOU.