I'm finally able to share this after writing it so long ago. I've done some honest healing in my heart. It's always so hard to do when you don't even remember the pain and suffering you went through as a child, only to find how those chains are affecting every other aspect of your life. Through my own journey of healing and growing as a woman, I have confidence to share what was really on my mind. As so many before me have said, our weaknesses become our strengths....
I read an amazing woman's blog today and thought how much of an inspiration she was to me... She's much younger than I and works a thousand times harder than I do. As I reflected on her words and thought about my own life, I realized how much trouble I've been having with the truth... My truth is I didn't listen to myself when I was 20. I let other's dictate my future. The truth is, I should have believed in myself a little more, but I didn't.
At the time, I didn't have the backbone that this woman has. I was able to stick up for myself as a child yet it was easier for me to stick up for those I loved. I often wonder how many times I've skated around the truth to feed my own ego or paint a different picture so that I felt better about myself at the end of the day because I didn't believe in myself like I should. I often wonder how I got to be so hard on myself when all we are supposed to be is image's of God with love in our eyes and our actions. Why is it that a person can rip my heart to pieces to a snarky comment and then think they can build me back up with ten paper thin ones that don't hold up to a spring rain. I don't know. I don't know why anything is the way it is.
I allowed someone I love to dig the ditch of doubt a little deeper in my mind and I'm furious because IT IS NOT THE TRUTH.... It is a lie. Plain and simple. And yet, she said it, as plain as day. And I instantly believed her. Instantly. And now I don't feel good about all the work I've been doing. I'm doubting myself. And it sucks. The pain and suffering that is caused by one person's behavior is so profound and so I must choose.
I must choose how I undo this pain. I must choose how I rip it away from my consciousness and set it free with every ounce of my being. Why? Because I have to in order to live. It is the only way to move forward and grow. I cannot allow her mindless - and that's what it was, comment about my "talent" to grow in my heart. It stings so much when a person you love says something that hits you like a ton of bricks. I'm so angry with myself that I'm actually physically affected by it. That little girl that's still there... that's the one that was hurt by those words. And maybe that's true. Why do I even care? My pain and suffering over words pointed at me, at my work, shouldn't matter, but they do. I guess that is what is on my mind this evening. Words are powerful, don't let anyone ever tell you any different. Your words have meaning so be careful what you say. Be careful how you choose to express yourself. Be careful with sarcasm, "just joking" and things that hurt others so you can boost yourself.
My horses speak such a different language. It's honest and pure because there isn't anything attached to it. There isn't long ago baggage. The best part about a horse is they show up at that moment and expect you to do the same. It's so simple. I enjoy their kind of communication. It's subtle and yet loud and clear. I can't help that I am quiet.... I listen, I feel and I know that is a gift now. People who fill the air with all their words have no idea what they're missing. I hope that anyone who is still reading this takes a moment to acknowledge their gifts - truly acknowledge how wonderfully amazing, different, and awesome you are. If you don't, your gifts will disappear. Don't let that happen. I almost did, but thankfully, I unleashed my gifts, my dreams, and all that I am.
I would love to hear from you and what you've endured, how you've overcome it in your life and what you once thought was a weakness, but you know in your heart is your strength.
Love and Light,
Carolyne