One of the biggest challenges in life is trying to convince yourself of how you think you're supposed to feel (or were taught to feel) when you're not actually being honest with yourself. You ignore every part of you to try to fit into a mold that was made by someone else. One of the things I heard as a child quite often was: "You think you're tough?" Growing up, there was something about being tough that was measured by how much dominance one person could put over another. I'm not a fan, and yet, I am a product of that environment. My answer was always a resounding, "no." There was no way for me to be stronger than the adult confronting me. There was no way for me to be stronger than a person who's anger, emotional pain, and substance abuse was influencing their decisions. I also clearly remember what happened when my little brother said he was tough.... it didn't turn out the way he planned.
During the rough patches in life, the tough get tougher. When you get knocked down, you get back up and try again. I agree with all these sayings, but the one thing they fail to acknowledge is nothing matters if it doesn't feel right.
Take for instance Simone Bile - the most amazing Olympic gymnast there ever was. She shocked the world four years ago when she bowed out of competition. The pressure was not working in her favor. She had to take action and so she did. Some could argue she wasn't tough, others may say she was so incredibly brave for showing up for herself.
When things get tough, there are three simple things you can do to help you in the moment:
Be mindful that this too shall pass. Painful experiences do not last. Allowing yourself the gift of fully experiencing the pain will make it all the more finished. What I mean by this is go ahead and cry, scream, break something, let it out! Holding that inside your body will never work - eventually, your body will speak. In Jersey Girl terms, "lose your shit!" (preferably in private)
Touch base with your body.... Breathe deeply in and out three times in a row. How do you feel? You just regulated your parasympathetic nervous system. The one that helps you process, digest, and unwind. Without it, you will burn out. Make it better by allowing a sound to come out of your mouth... Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Give yourself the gift of acceptance. We will never have control over the things we think we want control over. That would not be a life. Part of what makes life so special is the inherent risk involved in living a full life. We all need risk, we all need acceptance, we all need grace.
Practicing these three steps during rough times have helped me over and over again. I wish I would have known them growing up - or someone would have taught my own parents and family how to do them. Our lives would have been a lot more peaceful.
Sending love and light for all of you going through rough times. I'm right there with you. I miss Ivan so much. The quiet in our house is just not right to me. I think our entire family is sleeping a lot more - because Ivan was not one to let a coyote run through our property without letting us know. He didn't care that it was 2 am in the morning. I guess that is the gift in all of this. We have an eerily quiet home that's good for sleeping. I'm grateful he is not suffering. I'm grateful we noticed it right away - well, as quickly as he showed symptoms. I'm grateful that Ivan was our puppy and we got to bring him home. He came to the right family and I will always remember his kindness. He was like a dog in a children's story where all the animals would come and lay next to him because they just knew that he would watch over them. They could snuggle up to him and they were safe. Giving myself time to grieve is required. Grieving the ones we love is all part of living. Be kind to your one precious heart. I will too because our hearts get broken over and over again - we love, we lose, we love, we lose. We wouldn't have it any other way.
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